A Couple " Baby Boomer" Takes On Bernie Sanders (..and A Bit of My Own)

Here in the U.S., one of the hot topics you'll see online currently at this point in time in 2016, is the upcoming presidential election. On the Democrat side, there's a particular candidate that rather popular with our youth with a clever catchphrase to boot, "Feel The Bern!", they're running around posting on their social networking pages! And good for them, I suppose... naive as it is. Better than being apathetic. Anyway, despite all that, I personally haven't been sold on what "The Bern" is selling. I find him to be likable, but rather naive and short-sighted for a man his age and of his intelligence, and as far the promises he's making, let's just say I feel like he's writing some checks that he definitely will not be able to cash if, and that's a big fat IF, he actually does get elected president. Anyway, here's a couple of takes about The Bern from a couple guys from a forum that I follow, who I don't necessarily agree with or have much in common on a personal level  for that matter, but that are much  better at articulating this kinda jargon that I am:

Here's Eric- "Bernie boys and girls need to take care to consider what they are being promised. Free education for all, for example.

I went to college for free in CA. I also could rent a room here for under $50 a month. And I did. The big food price and gas price inflation were only beginning. Now to rent an apartment here costs $3000 a month and a house costs at least a million dollars.

We have the Affordable Care Act, which still needs to be made more affordable. Bernie wants single payer, and he also wants free education for all, and says the rich will pay for it. That way he gets 85% of the youth vote.

But I suspect we are also going to need a compromise Affordable Education Act, and an Affordable Housing Act then too. Because there's not an unlimited supply of rich people forever to pay the sky high housing prices that teachers have to pay to live where I used to get college for free.

Now, what happens to the bern, when Bernie has to compromise in order to get any of these things? Will you turn on him like you turned on Obama, and not vote in the midterm election of 2018, thus killing off any hope for anything for another 8 or 16 years?

Bernie says the bern will rally the people to vote and then make congress act. He will probably still have a Republican congress, unlike Obama in 2009; but it's also true that Obama turned over health care to the congress and didn't rally the people to push harder for a more affordable affordable care act, with a public option and so on.

So, Bernie will bern and push for what he wants. But the chances are he will eventually compromise to get something rather than nothing, if he can get anything at all. Then will the "bernie-bots" here call him a neo-liberal, and say Republicans are better than he is? Remember Bernie wants single payer? But he said quite forcefully that he helped write the Affordable Care Act. He compromised to get his veterans health bill passed too. Yes, he will compromise to get things done. What will you guys do THEN? Will you call him untrustworthy? Will you say that you might as well have voted for Hillary? Yes, you probably will.

I'm all for feeling the bern. He'll have my vote, if I have a vote. Let's also make sure not to get berned by our own ignorance, and bern our own house down."

And there's these word's from one, I'll call "PW", in response to The Bern's supporter's over Gloria Steinem's words over his young female supporters. I thought this was a pretty damn good response, myself: 

Pretty poor choice of words, admittedly. Not an excuse, but Bill Maher's show is a constant romp of sarcasm and sometimes guests get caught up in it and say something they regard later. Steinem has done so much in her lifetime; frankly, I find it odd the willingness of so many to throw her under the bus with a single mistake - pretty dainty skin.

I can also emphasis with the frustrations a lot of us older Progressives are having with younger Progressives' locking onto Sanders much like they did in '08 with Obama. Again, it seems like its all visionary with little regard to how to make it actually happen. It seems we're headed to exactly the same frustration and soon abandonment of President Sanders that we got with President Obama when progress on the Progressive agenda (e.g., no single payer or public option) but I believe it will be much worse because the GOP will not be awe of Sanders for the first couple years and will continue to control the Congress, and the promises Sanders is making eclipse even those that Obama promised - Bernie has a lot farther to fall from grace with his supporters.

At the risk of digging myself a little deeper into inter-generational friction, it's this mostly-unstated assumption that President Sanders will make a real difference, i.e., Progressive progress, by bringing "people power" to Washington. I think this is what grates on older generations, particularly Boomers who were actually involved in the 1960s movements. They marched, they fled to Canada, they protested, they got jailed, they got beat up, some even gave their lives. It took years for Civil Rights (more a Silents endeavor), stopping the war, equality for women, getting the environment movement started, and much is left to do. 

It seems the younger Progressive believe if they can only get a new savior in the WH, one who is just more to the Left that Obama, and everything will just fall into place - Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and the Freedom Caucus will either behave or be shown the door. Push the younger Progressive on the unlikelihood of that and most will just tell you that your just missing the "Bern." Those few that can get beyond their sanctimonious "discovery" of Progressivism, provide some version of people power but are pretty vague about what that is - they give you that look of pity of not understanding the latest social networking device or trend. 

I walk away with the sense that they are assuming that unrelenting shxtstorms of blogs, posts, tweets, videos, podcasts, even polls are going to make it really happen. Maybe President Bernie will provide the perfect People Power App so you can dial it up just like Uber or AirBnb - instantaneous protest with instantaneous political movement.

I don't think anyone actually involved in the movements of the 1960s believes that. I think that they would find it humorous except its not only pitiful, it is dangerous to the Progressive agenda. I think that is what is frustrating enough to Steinem to make her misspeak.

Not that long ago, the big stink about Millies was their assumption in the workforce that they just needed to show up in the morning for their first day and expected to be promoted that afternoon - that's basically what their Boomer parents raised them to expect. The Great Recession has disabuse any Millie that may have actually had that particularly outlook. But perhaps that sense of deserving without a lot of effort has transferred itself to the political world?

Then there are the Boomers that have jump on the Bernie bandwagon; maybe those, particularly the younger ones, that didn't get the chance to be part of something in the '60s? Maybe even a few Xers who want to be part of some 'revolution' other than slam dancing and the Beastie Boys. Last chance?

For me at this point in time, nothing is "set in stone" as they say (whoever the fuck "they" is), but I tend to see Bernie Sanders as an "Ideal World Candidate". If we lived in an ideal world, then maybe Bernie would be the man! As for myself? I live in the REAL world, so that's where I'm at, and that's where I shall remain 

Social Networking: The Dirt

One of my young "Facebook" friends, a female co-worker in her early twenties, put up a post yesterday regarding some strange guy she didn't know (I'm assuming it was a guy, I never bothered to get involved in the debacle) that sent her a "friend request" . In said post, she went on about how she asked the guy if he actually knew her, at which responded by simply saying something like, "I dunno, you work by where I live" or something like that. Okay fair enough, that's rather odd and a bit unsettling, I admit, but I do have a point I plan on making that I'll get to in a bit... Anyway, naturally, most of the folks that responded to the post were all people I knew from work, ages ranging from I'd guess, 21-26, with the exception of one guy in his early 30's, and of course, their responses, were of the "WTF?!?/Make fun of the Creepy-Stalker-Dude" variety. Comment after comment, they just kept coming. Eventually to me, it was like, "Okay, you made your point, Creepy Stalker's gone, are you and your friends gonna go beat him up or are you gonna sit here on Facebook and sound smug? Move on already, good lord!"
See, thing is, it's not that it made me annoyed or anything, what this post did was remind me that a particular time, a better time, in "technological history" is over you might say and this young woman's post, and in particular, everyone commenting, made me realize that these people have no idea! Believe it or not, there was a time back in the early days of social networking sites, late 2003 to 2005ish, that getting random messages from a man or woman (likely depending on one's sexual preference) was considered completely normal & fun. From my recollection, as well as many of my peers at the time, all of whom aged in the range, from their late teens to late 40's, and from all walks of life too. And yes, "Facebook" was around, but it wasn't even close to the giant it is today. In fact, it was around back then that I started my first FB account, I started it, and then didn't touch it for a couple years... I'll get back to that. Maybe.
Anyway, for most of us back then, it started with a little site called "Friendster". I'd first overheard my room mate, Scott talking about it. It had become the rage among the "who's who" in the main social circles in Santa Cruz, CA and was spreading like Ebola throughout the Bay Area, so much that it's servers were having trouble handling it's popularity! Rumor was, and I don't know if it was true or not, that you needed an invite from another member to join. I was hanging out with these two girls Christa and Lindsay pretty regularly at the time and Lindsay was on it and "secured our invites". Once I was in, my room mate Scott, showed me how to navigate it, and it was on! Not too long afterwards, I received my first message from my first "stranger", and it all took off from there. We would find our friends, or would just casually just "browse" peoples profiles that looked interesting, and if we liked what we saw or read, we'd send one another a friendly message, and often times got a friendly response in return! I cannot (for the record, I was sober, doing the 12 step thing, so memory's not in question) recall a time that I EVER got a negative response or got accused of being "creepy". I know these days, I'd likely get reported....
That's what I'm trying to say, back then, social networking sites and for those of us that used them, things were different, it wasn't what it is today, and I should also mention, they weren't dating sites like OKCupid or Match either (not that people didn't "hook up", that definitely happened!), it truly was a unique experience, which was why it was so appealing back then. Sadly, I don't think I can truly explain it to anyone who didn't experience it back then to truly understand, I'll probably just end up sounding "pervy" to your average Millennial Generation user the more I keep trying, so I'll just leave it at that. As I mentioned earlier, "Friendster" just wasn't able to handle it's popularity, it's servers couldn't take the load and it became just frustratingly slow. Then came "Myspace"...
"Myspace" came just as everyone was at their wits end and saved the day! I'd guess within a two month span, everyone on "Friendster", packed their shit and migrated over to "Myspace", whose servers not only could handle the load, making it much faster, but if you knew anything or anyone with some html. coding knowledge, you could do some pretty cool customization stuff to your page! It was still the whole fun, cool, way to meet new people thing that "Friendster" was, only better! I can honestly say that I still have a handful of friends left on my current "Facebook" page today that I met that way. I mentioned meeting more than a few women locally back then, also I even met two that actually purchased plane tickets and flew out to visit me, one them, I still keep in touch with today! And the messages I would get from women, although random, they weren't what I would call "weird" or "out there", They were usually just friendly, "Hello, I'm , _____ etc. etc." the "out there" stuff came later after I got to know them better, haha! but it was all good, we were adults, we were having fun with new technology and we weren't tripping out on it and taking shit WAY too seriously like what was to come... Basically, what I'm trying to say, is the first couple years of social networking sites were awesome! A lot of fun, and those of us that used them, naturally, we took what we had for granted, and like what happens to most good things, sooner or later, it was discovered by the Powers That Be as "a powerful marketing tool with enormous potential" (and they were right)and they introduced it to the masses, and worst of all, it was discovered by the "youngsters" and That. Ruined. Everything....
I'd guess around 2005, is when the high school age kids discovered "Myspace", that seems to be the year when the party seemed to end so-to-speak, at least from my recollection. That's when "Myspace" introduced the "private profile" option, and you started reading/hearing ridiculous stories in the news about "child predators on the social networking, "Myspace", which was completely overblown. What it actually was, in my opinion was the rise of the "Myspace Whore", which was basically a 13-16 girl (though her profile says she's older), with literally thousands of online "friends", that was constantly posting selfies of herself while scantily clad, in suggestive and provocative poses, while often times her loving parents being completely unaware of all this, or that their little angel even had a "Myspace" account, or that "Myspace" even existed! So you can imagine the chaos that erupted when the proverbial cat was let out of the bag... In just about all cases, the actual truth eventually was revealed but the damage was already and done, and the good old days were definitely over.
SO "Myspace" had it's reign for a few years, having it's technological hand in a little bit of everything, over-saturation in just about everything including music, videos, was even responsible for creating a few awful social media celebrities, it was fucking ridiculous! However, "Myspace", eventually got just to be too carried away with the html. coding and the customization, basically spreading itself much too thin, and I got to the point to where I couldn't stand to click on anything anymore, cause I got sick of having to turn off my computer speakers so I wouldn't have to listen to someone's shitty taste in music. I was officially "over" "Myspace". Then I remembered, that I had a "Facebook" account that I made back '04 that when I started it, was so basic, I wasn't even sure what to do with it so I just left it alone. I went and checked it out, and yep, still there where I left it! So I started filling out the profile info. I liked how nice, quiet and BASIC it was... Over the course of the next few weeks I started noticing activity on "Facebook". I was starting to get "friend requests" and other notifications, which lead me to suspect that I wasn't the only one who'd had about enough of "Myspace".

At this point, I've had a "Facebook" account for approximately twelve years now, although that original one, I disabled about a year and a half ago after going into "exile" (you can read about that in one of my earlier blogs if interested), My current on, I'm much more selective about who I add to it and follow and have really no interest in collecting the 900+ "friends" & personalities that I managed to acquire on my previous one. These days there's also no shortage of social networking sites out there on the web, they're a hot commodity these days, and there's one for just about everyone. At this point in my life, I'm not getting as much out of sites like "Facebook" as I used to, but I don't foresee myself getting rid of my account either, although I do have most of my less that 150 friends (at the present time) on "unfollow". I've noticed that I'm becoming more of a "Twitter" person lately, and I tend to gravitate more toward sites that none of my usual friends aren't on (yet) just cause they're more interesting, and it's not the same rambling nonsense about the same bands/politicians/"insert pop culture reference" you read or hear about constantly. Even for me, it's not the same, and just typing this line right at this very moment is sort of an epiphany when I realize how much my own attitudes have evolved on the subject over the course of the last 12 years, not to mention my original point when I first started putting this blog together, even more interesting than I originally thought! Go fucking figure...

This lesbian girl I Know’s Take On A Particular Popular Television Show (reblog II)

In order to avoid a long-ass intro, refer to the first reblog for an explanation, but once again, this is a reblog from a forgotten blog from Tumblr, with no memory or when it was originally composed 

The Lesbian Girl's Post(a friend):
“American Horror Story: Coven 
Misogynistic & Racist. Offensive & Catty. Women have magic powers & guess what they do…fight each other, pine over a boys, and desperately try to maintain their looks. I HATE it!”

I don’t watch the show personally, and I don’t give a shit about a person’s sexuality, to each his own, live and let live and all that, although at the same time I don’t completely understand why some people base their whole existence and lifestyle around what gender they prefer to fuck, but I guess whatever, I have better things on my mind. Anyway, I saw the above comment about that TV show and it kinda got under my skin and I guess I’m blogging about it to gain some sort of understanding of why exactly it does so. “A bunch of women with magic powers”... So by this particular lesbian girl’s logic, I can see her point in them getting along with one another, but what’s so wrong with pining over boys? does she want them to exclusively pine over girls? is this an “anti male” issue? Then there's the desperately trying to maintain their looks part... To be honest, that seems rather silly, cause although I haven’t actually watched the show, I’ve seen the commercials and most of the women look pretty damn attractive to me, however, I’m speaking from a hetero-male perspective. The lesbian girl that posted this is attractive from my perspective, but from my personal interactions and friendships with lesbians over the years, they seem to have their own ideas and perceptions beauty and attractiveness that differ from mine. As far as any kind of misogynistic and racist overtones, I’d have to actually watch the show, but I have a feeling this lesbian girl is blowing it out of proportion. The reason that I say lesbian girl when I refer to the person who made the comment above is because I know of more than a few females that are NOT lesbian, that identify as heterosexual or bisexual, one of whom I’m very close to that really enjoy that particular television show, that have never made any mention of any of the negative things the lesbian girl is complaining about. In fact all these other girls speak very highly of it, and the one that I’m close to is trying to push it on me, but I’m pretty resistant, haha! Just not my thing.

Anyway, like I said, the lesbian girl’s comment got under my skin and my first thoughts were, “Well, what the fuck should they do, get rid of all the males with magic spells, lick each others boxes, pine over girls, and look like shit all the time?!? Would that make you fucking happy?” I dunno, I’m probably missing the point and overthinking but then again, maybe I’m not…  Who knows? 

Sober & Straight Edge: There's A Difference (reblog)

This is "reblog", I guess it's called, from a neglected secondary blog that I sorta started sometime back whenever it was that I started my Tumblr account. Anyway, this is one of two, it might be edited a bit, and I have no clue when it was actually composed or what the "inspiration" was for it at the time, but after reading them, I figured I'd post them both here, maybe edit them a bit. Maybe not...

These days I’m am pretty much what one might call, “stone cold sober”, as for as how I go through life. Not a bad thing to be, in fact I rather dig it, it’s pretty much “my thing”,  but there’s this silly little label called “straight edge” that  I occasionally get lumped into by some ignorant & clueless little fuckwad that never fails to irritate the piss out of me. I’ll say right here and now that there’s no fucking way in hell I would ever identify as “straight edge”. In fact, FUCK straight edge!
 I feel that to be fair, I should mention that straight edge is something that started off with good intentions but evolved into some serious bullshit that I want no part of. I actually take offense when someone refers to me as straight edge, but they’re lucky I’m sober, cause if I was drunk I’d probably punch them in the mouth for calling me that :D

About Christmas...

All these years I thought I despised Christmas. Well turns out, Christmas isn't so bad, in fact, for the most part, it's fairly harmless. What fucking sucks, is Christmas Eve! Here's why:
First of all, Christmas Eve is when those folks that are the type to get all full blown miserable/depresso triggered by holiday bliss (or lack there of), this is definitely when it's gonna happen, and I for one DO NOT wanna deal with that if I don't have to.
Second, people begin acting extra and nice, which okay, maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing, but insincerity and bullshit is still insincerity and bullshit, and if you're anything like me, you can see right through that nonsense, and it comes off anywhere from comical to excruciatingly irritating, depending on the source.
And Third, there's that overly sentimental way that some people tend to act toward and look at me that. Just. Creeps. Me. The. Fuck. Out.
So, uh... yeah, no thank you, none of that for me, I think I'll just play like the family pet on the 4th of July and hide under the bed till tomorrow or something like that. That's Christmas Eve to me!

Christmas Day, on the other hand, once the mayhem and chaos of attacking the tree and opening presents is all over and done (if that's part of your ritual, that is...), and everyone involved is sitting around in a "wasteland of wrapping paper and empty boxes" procrastinating the clean up process, it all feels rather calm and kinda anti-climactic when you really think about it and really, Christmas becomes just another inconvenient day of closed businesses, unless you live in a larger city where they understand that imposed  "cabin fever" around the holidays is not good thing

And as for myself... I'm basically indifferent for the most part when it comes to the whole Christmas thing. I don't mind getting new clothes and all, but other than that, I can take it or leave it. I am willing to "play along" to make certain people happy but don't expect any "Halmark Card moments" out of me and any drama that presents itself is cause for my immediate exit. Other than that, fuck it, Merry Xmas!

Night of JOLT!

I saw this picture this picture online of this can of Jolt and remembered the only time that I recall drinking it. It wasn't all that great as far as taste went, and I don't really remember felling all that "jacked" as I was already a fairly high strung person at the time as it was. Anyway, here's the story:
It was mid-1987 and I was very hostile, angry and punk as fuck! I had moved out of

my parents house in late spring into a one bedroom apartment at the invitation of a friend I'd known since we were kids. I had no job, no source of income and pretty much no clue about how life worked, but naturally, like most guys at that age, I thought I had it all figured out and I knew it all. After I moved in, a couple other friends moved in as well. I took over the bedroom closet which functioned as my room, and we had our own little party pad going! For about three months anyway before we all got tossed out on our asses... 
Anyway, I was far to stubborn and prideful to go crawling back home to my parents house so I decided I'd just "live on the streets" or where ever I ended up, which worked out half the time, since I didn't have much as far as possessions, blankets and some clothes and a few things I could stash here and there or at friends houses. Other than that, I'd just party every night somewhere and usually just crash where ever that was or go home with someone and crash and their house, and if nothing panned out from that, it was still warm enough to where I'd find a rooftop, a doorway or side of a building to crash for the night. I tried a laundry room at a nearby big chain motel but got chased out by a manager. 
It was during this time that I experienced my first vicious hangover of my adult life, which fortunately I was able to sleep it off for a couple days at a friends house, after which I decided to cut alcohol out of my life and just stick to drugs. Understand, drugs for me back then consisted of mostly weed, it was very rare that I imbibed in anything else. 

Anyway, one night I found myself feeling in an especially foul mood. I was dealing with a lot of anger issues back then, and on this night I was particularly on edge. Back then my hair was cropped about a quarter on an inch all the way around with about 3 or 4 uneven clumps about an inch long in random spots. I sported a pair of beat up combat boots, cuffed jeans, a trashy denim jacket and I carried a crow bar in inside pocket of it. So that night, like I mentioned, I was in "a mood" and I had turned down an offer to crash in an empty camper shell in my friends yard, so he kicked me down five bucks. I walked over to the Circle K over at Lomas & Eubank and bought myself a six pack of Jolt Cola and then wandered over and sat on the curb at Hotel Circle just south of Lomas Blvd and drank one can after the other while glaring at the passing traffic. Today, that whole area is totally developed, all kinda of stores and restaurants, in fact, where I was sitting that night, there's a mortuary now, but back then it was just mostly vacant lots and land, and people used to park their used cars along that stretch of Lomas Blvd that they were trying to sell. So I finished about 4 of those cans of Jolt and proceeded to take my crowbar and pretty much make every car sitting on that lot "not fit for purchase". I smashed out every headlight, almost all of the passenger windows, tail lights and anything else I could destroy. I wasn't exactly quiet either. I'm truly amazed I didn't get caught or attract any sort of attention considering there's houses just right across Lomas. Afterwards, I wandered over to nearby Tomasita Elementary School and hid in these tunnel things that they had on the playground and watched the police cars patrol and spotlight the area for a bit before they moved on. I was totally calm and fearless while all this was going on. After a little while, I came out of the tunnel things and walked back toward the mess I made and then passed on by then headed to the rooftop where I sometimes slept where my blankets and other stuff were stashed and crashed for the night. I still had my other two cans of Jolts too!

Rants and Takes On Mortality

I've heard all the typical cliches and other bullshit spewing out of the mouths of friends and others that I thought were friends and just people that it turned out that I didn't really give a flying fuck about after all. Anyway, one of the cliches I'm speaking of for example is this typical tough guy/gal wannabe classic, "I thought I'd be dead before 25", which is a fucking joke considering, if memory serves me correctly (and I have an amazing memory), most of these turkeys did not grow up in squalor or the kind of American neighborhoods that would be comparable to say, the Gaza Strip, which would justify their claims. No, almost all of them came from more or less, the same type of middle to upper-middle class American households of various dysfunction and income. And we all pretty much did the typical teenage "experimentation" to varying degrees as well.

I personally, have never made such an absurd statement, as I came from a pretty straight up, middle class background. Truth is, I just never thought that far ahead, back then. The thought of thinking much past the next week or so would kinda freak me out, so I avoided it altogether, and this was all through my adolescence. 

As I entered my twenties, I was living the whole "rock 'n roll life style" and had gained a pretty self-destructive and nihilistic approach to how I went about my day to day way of life. I didn't really give a shit about tomorrow or the next day or the next year for that matter. For all my bullshit and arrogance, I pretty much lived in the moment and couldn't be bothered with such silly concerns about dying, even though as I started getting deeper into drugs and other shadier endeavors, looking back, yes, I can see now, literally hundreds of times how easily that (ugh!) "coulda been me", but it wasn't, so who fucking cares.

Truth be told, I'm not all that worried about or afraid of dying. It's not for any spiritual bullshit, like I have "nothing to fear because I know where I'm going" kind of rhetoric, because I happen to be one of "the faithless", but I'm not an asshole about it either. I mean if someone's religious beliefs are comforting and it's working for them, and they're not hurting or oppressing others with their beliefs, then fucking awesome, that's great, more power to them! It's those pushy fuck nuggets that irritate the piss out of me, but I'm not gonna go on a big rant about that either because there's really not much, if anything, that I can say about the subject that hasn't been said before, if not better and more articulate, so I'll leave it at that and hope that anyone who may actually read this gets the idea.

I suppose in a way, it's a little bit strange to me when I meet younger people in their late teens and into their twenties who have never known anyone other than an elderly relative that's died. I recall starting to attend rosaries and funerals at a very young age, as well as my first real peer being killed by a drunk when he was only fourteen, and from that point on I became, for the most part, desensitized to it as there more or less seemed to always be a steady number of people around my age or younger that would die from one thing or another . Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I would assume being some gangbanger living in South Central LA (for example)seeing my "homeboys" gunned down every week either, but I would guess that the number for me personally, might be higher than any of my immediate family members combined as far as peers go. (For the record, I don't mean come off sounding like I'm bragging or like I'm some kinda "hardcase" either...) 
A lot of the people I kept company with in the 1990's were like me, the hard drinking and drugging, high risk types prone to trouble and "drama". But in those early days of my youth, there were things like illnesses, accidents, the occasional homicide/suicide and freak occurrence. It was later on in my late twenties and into my thirties when the bodies really started to pile up and it got to the point where I stopped going to to funerals and wakes and all that cause they were depressing and I was sick of going to them, as selfish as it sounds, I didn't care who it was at that point anymore.

Back in 2005, I believe it was, I met and hung out for a couple hours with Bob Noxious at a show in Santa Cruz, CA. In the early 1980's, Bob and his band, The Fuck Ups were one of, if not the most notorious bands in the San Francisco hardcore punk scene, and one of the most despised among some of their more "politically correct" detractors. I was completely sober at the time, and Bob wasn't drinking either, but I had asked him a few questions about the early punk days back in SF (I was really excited to meet Bob as I had been a huge fan of The Fuck Ups for years. Bob was genuinely flattered and really surprised when I mentioned that I had some live bootleg recordings from his early days. I offered to make him copies and we exchanged phone numbers but he never returned my calls) One of the questions I had asked was what what he ended up doing after The Fuck Ups disbanded, and he replied that he had taken off to Oregon and had been living practically in isolation in the woods for a few years, and when I asked why, he said, "Cause everybody started dying, man... It was fucking depressing". 
Bob passed away on Christmas Eve of 2008 of liver failure. Looking back on that night, I recall that he had a whole bunch of joints in the front pocket of his shirt that he was smoking pretty much one after the other, so I'm guessing he was in pretty bad shape even back then.
I guess I bring up that meeting and interaction, because I can relate in my own way with Bob's sentiments on the subject

The one thing above all else that I cannot stand when people die is the living! It's truly astonishing, low and pathetic how so many people turn someones passing into an excuse or opportunity for attention, undeserved sympathy or some other form of narcissistic bullshit. I don't know how many times I've seen someone post on their social networking page after someone dies some sort of  psychotic, melodramatic spew or a "RIP [insert name]"  post followed by some shallow rambling, after which they receive sometimes dozens of "sorry for your loss, call me if you need anything" type responses and then have the nerve to thank these people like they were actually blood-related and actually sitting around bawling... And what chaps me about it is knowing that these shallow, self-absorbed fucks were really nothing more than casually acquainted with the deceased, and in reality were maybe on a "hello" basis with them at shows, or the occasional party, not like they shared a genuine or sincere friendship that justifies those kind of posts. I just find it to be rather tacky and in bad taste. (I'm well aware that I'm not exactly the "poster child" for decorum and good taste, but even I know there some things that should be recognized)
I believe the proper decorum, unless you were close friends that spent actual real quality time together on a regular basis, is to post on the page of the deceased something like a, "RIP, deepest condolences to the family" or something along those lines. I recall the last person I knew that passed (as of this present time) was about five months ago, a guy that I wasn't extremely close with, but we were friends and were former coworkers at a local music venue. Anyway, he OD'ed on heroin in late June, and I learned of it via Facebook from a post by a mutual "friend" who's a known drama queen that I preferred to keep at arms length back then and sure as fuck want nothing to do with now. Anyway, my friend OD'ed up in Denver, and this guy that posted was laying out the drama, with shit like "Fuck Heroin" & "Denver, what have you done to my friend!!!"... Fucking loser. Dude didn't even show up to the memorial. People suck.

I'm not even gonna get into the drama and chaos, not to mention the legalities and all that regarding families, estates and wills, that's a whole other complicated mess better left to the "experts" and those paid and qualified to deal with things of that nature.

So if I you were to ask me how many people have I known that have died? Honestly? I really don't know for sure. It's not like I've ever kept a tally or anything, but there's been quite a lot, that, I can definitely say for sure, and it doesn't seem to end. Not that I expect it to either. I've pretty much accepted death as a part of life without any morbid or silly inclinations toward it. Sure, I find it fascinating just like most people, I enjoy cemeteries, I like looking at dead bodies, I respect human life, although I have certain attitudes toward certain humans and their behaviors but I don't wanna get carried away on a mega-tangent here. I'm well aware that there's a lot of horrible things that happen on a daily basis in this world, but there's a lot of beauty and wonderful things that happen too. I know for some, they're just born to fall by the wayside and fall into the muck, it's unfortunate, but for most of us, it's all about choices and what we decide to do with it these moments. And yes, I'm sure there's motherfuckers that may read this and want to attack me just for saying what I just said, but you know what? They can eat a dick. They have a choices too. Do or Die! 

The Controversial Cover Pic

"One thing to remember kids… Don’t ever mistake me for a role model, as I’ll likely just end up disappointing you, not to mention, I really don’t want the responsibility of such an endeavor" 

                                                                                                                              Myself 2014                       

I used this photo as the cover pic on my Facebook page about six months ago and some people lost their shit! This was back when I still had my original page, the one with close to 900 "friends", that I deleted a few months ago (as of this current time frame). I don't mean everybody, though, a majority of folks that normally "liked" and commented (Back then it was normal for me to receive several dozen)on my pictures and posts didn't touch this one, which at the time was the first indication that I had "struck a nerve" so-to-speak. Back then, I didn't really post a whole hell of a lot because it had kinda gotten to the point with Facebook, when you have that many number "friends" on your FB page, you pretty much have to keep any opinions or beliefs you may hold to yourself unless your willing to open up a can of worms and release a shit storm  of debate and back and forth rhetoric with a bunch of "know-it-all", opinionated,  arm chair activist , smug idiots, who unfortunately, seemed to make up a majority of my Facebook "friends", and I was finding that with each passing day, that I was outright loathing most of them and that very soon, I was going to have to make a drastic change on both Facebook and in my personal life, aka, the "real world".

First I wanna start of by mentioning that I did get a number of “likes” and a few comments from people with a sense of appreciation for my rather dark and morbid sense of humor and "style" for lack of a better way to put it, for the way I chose to "decorate" my personal Facebook page. Maybe it's obnoxious, shocking and tasteless, but so fucking what? You don't like it, don't look at it, You don't like my posts? Feel free to click the "Unfollow" or "Unfriend" button. Problem solved. (believe me, at that point in time, I was beyond giving a shit) But don't come at me lecturing me with your self-righteous bullshit, ESPECIALLY when you know that you have blood on your hands as they say, and you better make damn sure that I don't have dirt on you before you fucking try to attack me...

For example, one of the first to chime in on the "lecture circuit" was Judy, who I go way back with. I've known her since my early punk days, circa 1988, she was a white power skin chick back then, but there was only a few "boneheads" around ABQ back then and they were a bunch of pussy chumps, no biggie. Anyway, she was good friends with Kristin who was the girlfriend of my really good friend Carlos Yambao, of Filipino descent. Judy's boyfriend was this nazi loser named Jeff, so as you can guess, it made for some odd company at times back then...  Anyway, Carlos and Kristin married in the early 90's had a few kids together and divorced at some point, I had moved to California then, and don't know the complete details of all that. Anyway, they'd been apart for a few years, and Carlos was living with a girlfriend and I guess was pretty strung out and OD'd in May of 2001, on cocaine if I heard correctly. SO in this age of social networking, I'd become reacquainted with both Judy and Kristin, on friendly terms with both, however, one of Kristin and Carlos's daughters is a total junkie trainwreck and Kristin and Judy have a tendency to both be rather "outspoken" when it comes to heroin and drugs. Judy really doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, as she's got little to no experience with drugs and has run off to live in the sticks with her current hubby cause she's terrified of the "big bad scary city". Whatever. Anyway, what really bother's me is how they're both quick to use Carlos as their "poster child" in their anti-heroin crusade where they're pointing their fingers and casting blame on everyone that was supposedly around back when he died. It's both pathetic and absurd, particularly with Judy as claims he was one of her "best friends" which is a complete crock of shit, it's nothing more than a ploy for sympathy and attention. There's no fucking way Carlos would have considered her one of his best friends. I could have easily exposed her and called her on her bullshit (still can), however, at my age and where I'm at now, I've learned the concept of "choosing my battles". Carlos has been dead thirteen years now, and really it wouldn't be in my best interest to do so. But I could... Anyway, as I said, Judy was the first to chime in... I ignored her, plus a couple of comments that dug the pic overrode her self-righteous babble and she never spoke up again.

Then there was Pete, a former gutter level hardcore, shit in your pants streetwise fucking junkie, whose pretty much seen and experienced every dark crevice of junkie hell one could imagine. I actually have a lot of respect for Pete, so I won't harsh too bad on him, I was just a bit surprised, cause I could tell the pic kinda bothered him and he was holding back what was really on his mind. Pete's a good guy and a great success story as far as where he's come from and where he's at now. Still a shithead, but I say that with respect and a smile.

Next was Jamye, the who had replaced Alice as the female vocalist in my band, A.P.D. That one was a real piece of work. Jamye is also a former junkie, supposedly clean four years, (I found out later that she'd been "chasing the dragon" with her ex-bf Phenochs around the time she came at me with her commentary) She's extremely insecure, has zero sense of irony or sense of humor and can't really function unless she's got some sort of intoxicant in her system. She's supposed to be on legally prescribed meds to deal with her emotional and mental issues but refuses to take them due to said insecurities and has literally every kind of psychological issue that a female is known to have. Anyway, she left a comment babbling some bullshit about me always "trying to be shocking" or some horseshit" and then about ten minutes later I receive a rather nasty message from some military guy telling me off about how fucked that photo is and how fucked up of a person I am for posting it and how his buddy in the military recently OD'd on that shit, and that people like me deserve to blah blah blah..... I looked at his page, and yep... mutual friends with that little cunt, Jamye....go figure.  Anyway, I ended up responding to the military guy rather viciously myself, and I assume setting him straight, as I never heard back from the prick.  

Seriously though, fuck that guy and his buddy! I've been clean fifteen years now! It's just a fucking picture, and posting it is not gonna turn someone into a heroin addict or cause someone to run out and OD. Reality is reality, and if someone goes out and accidently, or even purposely kills themself on that shit, that's on them, not me. Our decisions are our own. I made the conscious decision twenty around years ago to start and the barely-conscious decision fifteen years ago to stop. Probably one of my smarter choices in life, cause believe me, I've made a lot of bad ones.
...and like anyone's prowling around my Facebook page anyway, hahaha!

Musical Crisis

I admit, I don't look all that favorably these days on music based "scenes" i.e. the "punk"; "goth" ;"rockabilly";"metal" scenes in particular even though I spent nearly three decades of my life involved in the punk scene with close ties to the goth scene in Albuquerque and the Bay Area with connections all over the country and a few overseas as well. I've played in a few bands over the years, but the most accomplished one was the most recent that I was a part of here in Albuquerque called, A.P.D. It was a male/female vocal fronted hardcore punk band, in which I played guitar and did the male vocals. We never recorded a proper record or CD but there's some decent free downloadable tracks available on the bands reverbnation page. The band's currently on "indefinite hiatus" but will likely never perform again. And thing is... I don't even care. I guess stranger things have happened though.

I really and truly hate to admit this, but I feel like I have to. It seems that lately, I seem to have a really a hard time enjoying music. This is gonna be very difficult to articulate, I can already tell, but these days when the subject is brought up as a topic of conversation, I find myself literally cringing and almost loathing the participants in said topic. It's not that I dislike or hate music, it's more like it's just not exciting, interesting or even fun anymore. In other words, it's gotten so fucking boring to me. It seems that no matter what the genre, it doesn't matter if it's rock, metal, electronica, rap/hip hop, country, industrial, whatever, etc, etc... it's all been done, before and then it's been recycled, crossed-over, cross-bred, infused with this and/or that and created into a sub-genre of this and/or that and you got something-core this and/or that...it get's really fucking hard to keep up with and ya know what? It's still boring, generic and to pit it simply, it sucks. I almost get a fucking headache just thinking about it...

I know, one could come at me, and attack me for these words in so many directions, and not only am I okay with that, I feel completely comfortable with my stance on it, as well and totally prepared to back up my words and opinions as well if need be. I also know that in everyone's defense, it's extremely difficult to be original and I can't really fault anyone for it. However, I'm not so sure that's the real issue in this case. I think it might be something bigger than all of us... 

Back in the 1970's when punk happened, those that were a part of that claimed it was a reaction or response to what was going on with music at the time, what with the big decadent arena rock shit of the sixties and early seventies dominating everything, and disco ruling the airwaves, I suppose I can see how something new like punk would be a breath of fresh air, or a slap in the face and a shock to the status quo. Makes complete sense when you really think about it.
Me personally, I was six or seven years old I think when punk first came out, much too young to participate in something like that, not to mention I was living in Albuquerque, NM so yeah...

Anyway, fast forward to the decade of the 2010's. Some of those old bands are still around, sure, but thing is, some of what was punk, evolved into "hardcore", some became, "goth" or "post-punk" which is rather loosely defined, others evolved and became mainstream and a lot just faded into obscurity. 
The post punk thing that birthed goth created some truly remarkable and amazing artists and bands from it's era, and the thing that sets them, and will always set them apart from the "goth" bands that came after them is those bands (Bauhaus; Sisters Of Mercy; Siouxsie & The Banshees;etc) weren't trying to be "goth", they were just musicians that came out of the original punk scene that were just trying to make a new and different style of music and managed to get the "goth" label slapped on them. Since then, there's been a "goth" genre of music with bands trying to sound "goth" and I cannot think of one since the early 80's that has achieved that kinda level of respectability in that sense. Sure one can argue Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails, but to me those two acts are the what Green Day and Blink 182 are to punk. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid if you don't understand that point then you never will. 

Even though I may have been born too late to catch The Ramones at CBGB's, I was still a teenager in the 1980's and a twenty-something throughout the 1990's so I got to see a lot of great shows and bands. For example, as far as punk, the first time I saw Social Distortion it was only $8, nowadays it's a $45 dollar ticket. I got to see the Descendents in 1987 at a local all ages venue that was attended by primarily the ABQ punk scene (friends and peers) with local support bands. Nowadays, the only way you're gonna see The Descendents is in a festival type environment surrounded by tens of thousands of strangers in the hot sun, for an outrageous ticket price and having to weed through a bunch of other shitty bands while waiting to see them, and paying $4 for a fucking bottle of water. I hear you can shell out an extra $10-20 for a "VIP Pass" which if I understand correctly, means you can hang out in the shade and get served alcohol. Yeah, that's real "punk rock"! It's not just The Descendents and Social D. either it's a lot of those old bands, they still sound great live, but for me, I've pretty much seen everyone I've realistically wanted to see, and I've gotten to see them when they were young and full of zeal, in smaller venues for cheaper prices surrounded by mostly friends and like minded people. 
This newer generation and younger batch of fans really has no idea. What really gets me, is you can't mention any of this to them because they get mad and act like you're lying or laugh it off like you're just some "old stick in the mud" that doesn't know how or like to have fun, but hey, I'm not the stick in the mud that's paying $50-$70 a ticket to see bands that are even older than me! Even more so if you're into attending those lame-ass festivals! What bugs me the most is when the younger generation tries to take credit for inventing this shit too, but I admit, it's funny watching them get their panties in a wad when evidence is shown to them otherwise. 

I guess these days I just don't really see or hear anything really new that can possibly stir anything in me and make me excited when it comes to music. Admittedly the last time that happened, as far as something truly "new" for me, was when Eminem first came out to be completely honest. At that time, I didn't even like rap, and the irony of that, was the person that turned me on to his music was my friend Lizard, who was this pretty goth chick! Go figure... Anyway, I thought that was some of the most creative, original, not to mention funniest, music I'd heard in a long time! I couldn't get enough of it. I enjoyed his follow up LP just as much too, after that, I lost interest though. 
It was kinda cool at the time though to have something different and new in my musical repertoire, I was so used to listening to mostly mostly hardcore punk and goth, I guess I had all but forgotten there was a whole world of music out there to explore which actually inspired me to check out what was out there when it came to rap and hip hop and I actually found some stuff that I actually really liked (There's also a lot of narcissistic, posturing bullshit out there too though). It also reminded me there was other stuff out there that I used to love as well, which since then I've reacquainted myself with, and in the process I discovered some really rare, "old timey" gems, particularly the kinda stuff that's become more and more obscure with each passing year. Actually, that's the stuff I still find pleasing, unfortunately, there seems to be very few that know who or what the fuck I'm talking about whenever it's brought up.

Briefly, I'm gonna touch on a few genres and scenes that I simply just do not like and I don't give a flying fuck what kind of argument or selling point you come at me with when it comes to them. 
With VERY few exceptions, I don't like metal. I'm cool with metalheads for the most part, but the music, post-1987-88 pretty much sucks. I love Slayer, Venom, Metallica back when they were circa early mid 80's but don't acknowledge them much past that. Basically I got bored with metal around '85 and pretty much stopped listening to it completely after '86
I cannot stand rockabilly or psychobilly and I hate those fucking scenes! The music all pretty much sounds the exactly the same and all the bands are basically carbon copies of one another. The guys are all a bunch of douches and the girls are a bunch of catty bitches and that whole scene in general is the the epitome of cliche, for example, go to any rockabilly show and you stand a more than 50% chance of hearing a generic cover of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues". It's truly mind boggling disgusting how people really take that scene so seriously, particularly the 1950's nostalgic aspect of it. Fuck the "billy scenes" Often referred to as the scene where old punks, skins and goths go to die... 
And I just can't get in to the "noise" genre" I've never been able to be around that crowd or that music for an extended amount of time. They have a tendency to be an odd kind of pretentious and the music pretty much sucks. Their gatherings and night spots tend to be rather boring as well.

Now this is the funniest part of this blog... To walk into my room, you would be lead to believe that I'm absolutely obsessed with music! I mean every wall, including my ceiling, is covered with posters and flyers from punk shows and music events, I have an electric guitar on a stand and a small practice amp in one corner of my room and to my immediate right (where I'm currently typing this) that I can literally touch with my elbow is a 120 watt amp head resting atop of a 4X12 slant cab speaker cabinet (although I've been trying to sell it on craigslist for a couple weeks, I've had few offers), plus a few other stickers and knick-knacks here and there that suggest that "hey, this guy's a music fan!". Actually, I've been thinking about redecorating for a while, I do have an idea in mind, but I don't have all the materials on hand to make it happen so I'm procrastinating and now because of these words now living in a room full of contradiction... See how I am!

BTW, in case any possible readers of this blog out there are  wondering why there was no mention of the Justin Beiber's, Katy Perry's, U2's, Linkin Parks and never ending list of "mainstream" music business garbage and nonsense that is spoonfed to the masses and swallowed whole... Well c'mon, lets get real, that would be just too fucking easy! :D

A Self-Imposed Exile and Reasoning

As of this point in time, I've been in what I describe as a "self imposed-exile" for nearly three months now. I suppose that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it's the best way I've come up with to easily explain my suddenly and completely "going off the radar". Not that I expected anyone to make a fuss or send out a search party or anything, just trying to make myself clear. I'm also gonna point out that it's not like I was "Mr. Popular" or a man about town by any means, but I pretty much knew everyone in all the local music scenes and was a co-frontman in an established local hardcore punk band and was pretty well known as well. Basically, for the sake of humility, what I'm trying to say, is I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me and I'll leave it at that...

The deal was I got fed up and disgusted with all the petty, shallow, self-absorbed, narcissistic, know-it-all(know nothing) fucking losers that make up every music based scene in this city as well as what appeared to be most everywhere else around the country, but since I live here in Albuquerque, this is where I was being immediately affected, therefore this is where the "eye of the storm" was, so-to-speak and that includes them all, be it punk, skin, goth, metal, rockabilly, etc. 
I'd grown so tired of everyone's fucking drama and listening to and observing their non-stop back-stabbing and constant and needless cruelty to one another. I would log on to Facebook everyday and read their posts and find myself constantly asking myself , "Why the fuck am I friends with these people?!?"

All these assholes were just a bunch of fucking "chumps and nobodys" with over-inflated egos based on half-assed bullshit and from my observations, seemed to be attempting to take credit for "pioneering" ideas that had been done by folks at least a couple decades prior. Also, their personalities and self-worth are based on how much drugs and alcohol they have in their bloodstreams, but once that starts that fade away I couldn't help but notice how many of them would be reduced to the crashing bores or the pathetic, insecure, whiny bitches that they really are until someone gave them more... Then at the same time they (the goth crowd) had the nerve to refer to themselves as such ridiculous things things like "hot messes", which was laughable at best considering they were buried under caked on makeup, usually flabby (if not just fat, nothing against fat people, but it's the truth) and usually either still drunk from the prior evening or delusional from the logic that comes from methamphetamine. Pathetic indeed...

For me, my problem with the local punk scene was the upsurge of needless violence and bonehead-like behavior that was suddenly reemerging due to the presence of a newly transplanted, internationally known band that became a local. I don't have a problem with skinheads in general and get along fine with them as a whole, as I go back with a number of the local old timers but I was not liking what I was seeing over the past several months at shows, including some sketchy shit I witnessed on the dance floor at one show that I promoted that my band played in May and a very violent show headlined by The Business a few weeks later, which that one I believe was pretty much the final straw for me. All the bullshit I saw and heard that night, if it wasn't for the fact that my band had one more show commitment that was a month away, I likely would have started this exile thing much sooner. I find it rather appalling the way selective people at particular venues are pretty much allowed to get away with fucked up and douchebag behavior while others are beaten down and tossed out, all depending on if you're connected to, or friends with the staff at that venue... And if you are connected, they stand around with their beers and joke about starting shit about chasing touring bands out of town "back in the day", or some small minded skinhead talks shit about how much he hates punk rockers at a fucking punk show and starts shit with people every five minutes and yet, doesn't get tossed out cause he goes back a few years with the staff while an unknown does for a minor infraction... yeah, awesome "scene" we have here. It seems that I'm just at odds with the entire scene in this fucking city in terms of what's acceptable and what's not, and it appears that's it's a losing battle that's simply not worth my time anymore. And if that's the way it is, then fuck it, fuck them and their pathetic, loser fucking "scene", they can have it. I'm done.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not just some sniveling crybaby that sits around bitching about shit. Since I've been back in this city, I've been putting on shows here and there around town, helping out out other bands(local and touring)get gigs, I've created a contact list that's proven to be quite useful in securing gigs for both locals and touring bands alike, not to mention my own band as well that has established itself and played numerous shows around town over the last two and a half years. I feel that I've definitely gone above and beyond and I've done it out of love for the what I do without asking for anything in return other than hoping everyone involved that shows up and participates enjoys themselves, has fun and respects all that goes into it. I've never done any of it for profit, but if I made a few bucks, cool, and if not, no worries either. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that was understood.

It's all pretty much bullshit. Fuck them all. I'm serious, it was driving me nuts! I was getting so aggravated and depressed by the day to the point to where I wanted to either cave someone's fucking skull in or put a fucking bullet through my head. So the next best solution was to simply remove myself from it all. My band, A.P.D played our last show on July 11th, that night after the show, I came home, deleted my old Facebook account and severed all contact and ties with everyone but a select few in this city, but even with them I only communicate with virally and I see no one. It's actually been working out great. After nearly three months, I'm finally getting some sort of peace of mind.
I've also noticed that time seems to have slowed down as well. Maybe that's the secret to it, when you stop paying attention to what everyone else is doing and all the drama and bullshit going on around comes with it and just focusing inward and doing your own thing. I mean REALLY doing your own thing.

To be completely honest, the first month was pretty rough. I was pretty depressed, I mean I didn't really have much going on or any outlets left after that. I wasn't working, I no longer had a band, didn't have any friends (Still don't really, but no worries...) or anyone to talk to. I pretty much just sat in my room all day surfing the web, watching movies or just sulking. I'm not gonna lie, the pistol that I keep under one of my pillows, I spent a lot of time thinking of some pretty elaborate ways and scenarios to turn it on myself. I'm not sure the exact time frame, but one day I just snapped out of it and decided I'm not gonna let any of those fucks drive me to such extremes, and just keep on keeping on. Self pity to that extreme has never really been my style anyway and I guess I just had to ride it out, pretty much like kicking dope in a way. I feel like I've made great strides at this point and things seem to be definitely looking up. My state of mind has vastly improved, and I'll be starting a new job in about three weeks as well if I can stay out of trouble between now and then. Anyway, that's the pretty much the scenario of what lead up this "exile". I do have a new Facebook page, but I have less that 80 friends, all selectively chosen, only a small handful reside in Albuquerque, the rest are old and dear friends that live in other cities and states that I rarely get to see and may never get to see again that I want to stay in touch with.

As for everyone else that I've left behind and washed my hands of, it's not so much that I hate them, but I don't need to be friends with them on the computer, I figure if they have my phone number, and are actually interested in my friendship or concerned about how I'm doing or what I'm up to, they can make the effort, otherwise whatever, I'm not losing any sleep over it. And that pretty much works for me.

Dark Secrets and Hypocricy

Thinking back to that drug addled time period of the mid to late 1990's in Oakland with all its drama, scorn and social stigma directed toward me from that particular crowd of individuals that I spoke of in my previous blog I felt the need to put together this one because I had a lot more to say about it, but before I get into all that I want to make some things clear first:
First of all, although I was indeed what one would call, a "low-life" and a "shady character",it doesn't mean I didn't have any friends or people that cared about me. Sure, as my addiction grew deeper and further out of my control and I began alienating and putting people off, and chasing people out of my life as well, the numbers dwindled, but those that I referred to in my previous blog were the ones that either A)Expressed, implied and/or threatened physical harm on me. or B) Often justified their disdain for me based on some hypocritical moralistic higher ground.  "B" was often the case.

As I mentioned, in my previous post, there was definitely the girls. Their role, for the most part was in the first couple years, like the first half of that time period. I mentioned Mo and Amy, and to a lesser degree, Erin. All of their boyfriends, with the exception of Amy's, grew up together and had come to the east bay from a small town up north called Vacaville, so they had this dopey punk rock "bro-dude" bond trip going that I just couldn't get into, but the girls were cute, and Amy was a knock out, not to mention she was about my age so we bonded pretty quickly. When I started getting into drugs, starting with meth, the guys, who were often belligerent shitheads when they drank, didn't seem to have any qualms about voicing disapproval about mine and Bucks use of it. Mo and Erin's boyfriends both being from Vacaville would usually go back there for a few days once a month to get money from their families to pitch in on rent and whatever else, and when they were away, Mo and Erin were both always very eager to partake on mine and Bucks "activities" with us, although they would half the time get themselves into shit about with the boyfriends after they returned cause either they came down badly or someone would tell on them.(I suspect Joey O., one of the guys that lived there, also fron Vacaville) the dummies... Erin was the more mature one and eventually gave her boyfriend his walking papers. (Erin also lived at the 47th St house at the same time me and Mo did, although she didn't stay for the drama. I think she dated Micheal for a bit after he and Rachel broke up. There was never any bad blood between us. She identifies as a "Conservative Republican" these days and is a horse trainer ( I think) in affluent Benicia, CA, and we're actually still somewhat in touch)
Mo, LOVED drugs. It drove her boyfriend nuts. I'm not sure exactly how he felt about about me in general, I think that he respected that I was an "old school" punk, but was uneasy about the relationship that me and Mo had with one another, and as far as the drugs, realistically, I can't really fault him for that. He should have actually kicked my ass or at least came to me and spoke up and said, "Look dude, I don't wan't you giving drugs to my girlfriend, it's fucking her up, and blah blah..." I mean , who knows, I might have even respected him enough to have actually said, "Sure man, no problem", But he never did...  There was one night at a party where I was drunk, and I'm not sure exactly what brought it on but I guess things had gotten "weird" or something between me and Mo and she decided to lecture me and the only thing I recall her saying was, "...ever since you started doing speed you.." and that's when I interrupted her and said something like, "Okay, stop! I don't need to hear this shit! Like who the fuck are you to lecture ME about something like that?" and I just walked away from her, she ran off, I assume crying. I mean seriously, every time she and I were alone together, she was practically begging me for the shit, and now she wants to fucking lecture me, what the fuck was that?!? Anyway, about a minute later, there's her boyfriend yelling in my face about how much she loves me and cares about me and how could I treat her like that and other horseshit, and I just looked at him and calmly said, "So are you gonna hit me now?" It seemed to throw him off a bit but he continued his "lecture/yelling fit" calling me a tweaker/asshole and other shit. I ended up just saying "fuck this" and leaving. I walked all the way back to Kara's from there, smashing a storefront window along the way. I got into heroin less than a year later.
With Amy, it wasn't quite as often, cause her boyfriend kept her on a pretty short leash, so she always had to be really sneaky about it, so if there was ever any problems that followed, it never got back to me.
Basically, with the girls, not just these three, cause there was more that came into the picture, was they loved the drugs, they liked me and their boyfriends couldn't stand it!
But the boyfriends weren't so innocent either...
(Before I move on, last time I saw Mo she showed up at "The Rat Cage", this crazy punk house where I lived. She seemed like she'd matured quite a bit and seemed rather taken aback by what she saw from me. (I really was a trainwreck at that time). I believe these days, she's living up in Eugene, OR raising a couple kids. I've made no attempt to contact her as I'm pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me. As for Amy, I have no clue of her whereabouts. last time I saw her was in 1999 when she visited us in Oakland. She had moved to Canada and had gotten married if I remember correctly)
Mo's boyfriend's name was Aaron. He was always known a hard drinking, brawling, rowdy individual. One night on 2006 or '07 he left a bar very drunk and wrecked on his motorcycle and was in a coma for a couple months. He's since recovered but has never fully gained all his senses and is a shell of the person he once was. Last I heard, he was was working, scooping ice cream

I'm not totally sure about the time frame, but I'm guessing probably 1996, some new characters came into the mix, these guys had more of a skinhead (not the white power "bonehead" variety) background. There was John and Matt from Chicago. Matt was a complete lunatic, cool guy, but creepy and intimidating. John, aka "Lonely John" (Kara gave him that moniker), who ended up going Punk. Then there was Dennis, who had a mohawk when he first showed up then went skin, he was quiet, but a pretty violent douchebag. He was pretty hard to read, but I always got a bad vibe off him. Then there was Bill Jackson, who'd been around the Bay Area for a while, but suddenly started hanging around, Bill was an ugly cockeyed fucker, but a damn good drummer, that took an almost instant dislike to me. He in particular attempted to use one of those moralistic approaches to defend his dislike toward me as reasoning toward my habits. In fact, I'll start with him.

When I first met Bill, he seemed vaguely familiar, like I'd seen him around. I think to Bill, I was just one of those people that no matter what, he was always gonna take issue with me in some way, and the fact that I was much better looking, his new friends had issues with me and that I was strung out on drugs that he despised gave him all the excuses and fuel he needed to justify his dislike. Only problem was as long as I was in the east bay, I was connected to that group of people cause I was there before him and living with Buck, Kara and Lilia(who happened to be my girlfriend at the time), not to mention I was still good friends with Amy and still on good terms with various members of his household, so like me or not, Bill was just gonna have to deal with it, but I did make an effort to not antagonize him and be friendly.
Bill took issue about me dealing high grade meth, quite successfully, I might add, so I always had money, and he saw me as a "scumbag" because of that. He worked at LaVal's Pizza in North Berkeley and had gotten everyone jobs there, including Buck, but interestingly enough, Bill himself was also dealing weed on the side. Here's the hypocrisy... Bill would find and recruit homeless gutter punks that would beg for change on Telegraph and Shattuck Avenues in Berkeley to sell his weed for him! He'd usually end up giving them a tiny bit of "chump change" (maybe) and kick them down some buds for their trouble. However, usually what would eventually happen is his "employees" would end up ripping him off at some point, saying fuck this, and just take off with both whatever weed and profits Bill gave them. Truth is, for all his bullshit posturing, Bill wasn't much of a fighter. For a skinhead, Bill was kind of a chump and a joke. Actually, I recall Bill got the living shit beat out of him by Dennis and this "Dennis-worshipping" skin named Mark when Dennis accused Bill of stealing money or something...(Back in 2008 I actually talked to Bill and he admitted that he "just didn't like me" which was fine. We continued to chat a bit, I told him that I had met his girlfriend, Ali, that she had visited me at my house in Santa Cruz a couple years prior with Cindy and Lilia. He just looked at me funny and nodded. )

Erin's former boyfriend from the early day's name was Joe. He was a complete idiot. Although he came from Vacaville, he was originally from Rhode Island where Dennis was from as well, so there was a connection of some sort that I wasn't clear on, but whatever. Anyway, they too used that uppity moralistic high ground as part of their reasoning to dislike me as well. Honestly, I could really care less, if you want to hate me, just fucking hate, you don't need a reason... Anyway, when someone hates or doesn't like you, when you're in their presence, you definitely know it. At least I do, I'm a pretty perceptive motherfucker though, but that's me. Anyway, I don't recall ever giving him my pager number(yes pager!), but I got a page from Joe late one afternoon. I was quite surprised it was him but even more surprised by what they(him and Dennis) wanted. They were looking for $40 worth of Heroin, which was no problem, I easily procured(I pinched a little for myself of course, Fuck them!Actually, I don't think I even bought $40 worth, my dealer would sell me any dollar amount I wanted so I probably kept a few bucks now that I think about it) it for them and even gave them both a couple of clean syringes. I was so amused by the scenario, how uncomfortable they both looked, knowing how much they despised me, yet having to go through me to get the stuff, and then asking me not to mention this to anyone and then having to trust me to keep their secret. I got a kick out of seeing them squirm! And I never told anyone either. (As far as know, Joe's still around, not sure if he's still in the east bay or back in Vacaville though. I know that back in the early 2000's the Vacaville guys  formed this pyschobilly "club" called the BP Pychos in Oakland that has since evolved into some sort of biker club that might even be a feeder club for The Hells Angels, but I'm not 100% sure about that. As for Dennis, I have no idea, he just kinda faded away)

Then there's the Chicago guys, Matt and Lonely John. Those dudes were actually alright, in fact much to the dismay of the others, they actually bought drugs from me and were fairly regular customers! I'm not sure how open Matt was about it with the the others but what were they gonna say or do, everyone both respected him and was not about to fuck with him cause Matt was one bad ass motherfucker! Even Dennis didn't want to cross Matt. And thing is, Matt was a pretty laid back, easy going guy for the most part, but he was a skinhead to the bone, in attitude, appearance and beliefs. He liked taking drugs though, he wasn't into needles or anything, but he loved to do speed, he liked smoking weed, he was down to take acid(even though he got weird and creepy on the shit) and he definitely loved to drink. Matt was also rather unsettling at times. He was extremely homophobic and would get pretty weirded out around goths or punks that had makeup on, his mind automatically perceived them as "gay" and he would get a bit wound up about it. Other than that, he was cool.
John was a skin when he first came to the east bay but decided to go punk for whatever reason. Matt used to give him shit about it, John was a pretty nice guy, but you can tell he had something going on beneath the surface. He disappeared for a while I remember, turned out, he'd been in rehab. First thing he did when he got out was page me and buy some shit... (I know that Matt was part of that BP Psycho thing for a while but eventually moved to Texas and got married. Not sure of his whereabouts these days. I have no idea what ever became of John.)

There was this rich kid punker that went by the name JP, that went skinhead soon after I met him. He was kind of a dipshit in my opinion simply cause he was a "follower". He used to hang out with Dennis and Matt. His girlfriend was this chick named Nikki who was one of my regular customers. JP was always looking at me funny. I know he obviously didn't like me, as he rarely spoke to me, but like I said, his girlfriend frequently bought a lot of drugs off me as well as Matt, who was one of his friends as well. JP was never any real threat to me, his girlfriend was a good source of income for a while, though potential trouble, and his connection to Dennis was a little sketchy but that's about it.(JP coming from an affluent background, I can only assume he settled into some sort of easy lifestyle unless he fucked up somewhere down the line. I can't imagine him marrying Nikki cause I know his family absolutely despised her. They were an odd looking couple actually, He was actually pretty young and she was much older. She was a tallish, overweight Mexican girl from a questionable background not very attractive at all, but still a nice person, while he was a strapping, young, fairly good looking white kid from a very affluent background with a seemingly bright future. Yet he was into her. Very odd couple indeed...
As for Nikki, I can only imagine what became of her, unless JP foolishly knocked her up, I don't see how things would have panned out in any way all that positive for her, unless she got her act together and educated herself, but who knows...)

To sum this all up, these are the main characters that come to mind as far as the ones that never owned up to their role in any of this particular drama from that time period or simply stepped away and acted like they never had any part in it is a better way to put it. At this point, none of it really matter now anyway, it's just something to look back and reflect upon now. It was a whole other life for me in a way, definitely a whole different world compared to the one I live in now. I have a few pictures from that time and surprisingly, a whole lot of memories! Do I hold any grudges or resentments? Truth? Not really... Despite how by saying that make all my words prior to saying that come off completely contradictory, it's true!