There's a sappy movie starring Sandra Bullock called "28 Days". It's okay I guess... I suppose the reason I even mentioned that is because as of this day, this moment, I have been clean and sober for the same amount of days and it makes me think of that movie title.
I feel I should mention that this isnt a first time thing for me. No really, it's true! I originally got sober back on September 16th, 2001 in Santa Cruz, CA. Obviously, I didn't stay that way, hence the title of this blog. Anyway, I got sober back then through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which was founded in 1935 by Bill W.(Wilson) and Dr. Bob (Smith). I came in to the program with about a year a two clean off a five year narcotics habit that I supplemented with a pretty bad drinking problem. After I took my last shot of dope in my arm while living on one of the few friends(one who I was walking on thin ice with) I had lefts couch in Berkeley, CA, my delusions of grandeur had been shattered after getting attacked by a group of people I had wronged a while back. I had absolutely no self esteem or confidence left after that incident and Im sure it showed in the way I carried myself. I barely had any friends left and due to my actions and behavior when I was both strung out on dope, drunk or both, had picked up a number of enemies and people that wished to do me physical harm as well. My solution to that problem was lots and lots of alcohol. Being the drunken, shady character I had become, I wasn't even really employable looking back on it. I hadn't worked a legitimate job in a few years, the last one being in a movie theater in Oakland, CA that I worked at for about a year and was eventually fired from after one too many no shows and frequent tardiness due to my drug use. So after kicking the drugs, and being out of options, I fled to Santa Cruz to stay with a couple friends and hopefully get my life back on track somehow. I was able to find work through an employment agency and after a few months found a place to live with some people I met, one that I could call mine. Unfortunately my drinking was getting progressively worse. Moving to Santa Cruz was a fresh start in a lot of ways and I had managed to make a few new friends and pick up a couple job skills, but my bad reputation had also followed me from Oakland and there was more than a few people who I didn't recognize, but knew who I was that didn't like me and had attempted to start fights with me at times or when I was in a place or gathering where they were present, I was still able to feel their hostile, menacing vibe even through my drunken state. It wasn't fun. Even when I wasn't drunk, I was a pathetic wreck of a person. I knew I was a fuck up. I was so haunted by my recent past and the only relief I had was oblivion through alcohol and even that was rapidly starting to cause problems in my life, putting everything that I had accomplished, which really wasn't much looking back on it but still definitely a couple steps above what I had prior, in jeopardy.
Honestly, my original intention of AA was to be a punishment to myself. I made the decision to go to AA the morning after another night of psychotic, black out drinking, which was an ongoing thing with me. I awoke with the shakes, still feeling a little pickled, disoriented and very confused over what had happened the night before and then after learning of my actions from my housemates and feeling so full of regret and sorrow that I wanted to cry, I picked up the phone book and called the AA hot line. What I mean as punishment, or "sentencing myself to AA" is that I was picturing dingy, smoke filled rooms full of shell shocked looking derelict men with shaky hands, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and telling war stories while trying not to drink liquor and there I would spend the rest of my existence... pfft! like that woulda happened anyway, hahaha!
Fortunately, I found something far different than I expected! I found friendly people, men and women with smiling faces that reached out to me and made me feel welcome. And it turned all of them already knew my story and troubles because they had experienced their own version of it and many of them even worse! I introduced myself and babbled briefly about my drinking and what I had done the prior evening and after I was done, everyone clapped and welcomed me. I felt such a sense of hope and relief after the meeting was over. I didn't feel so afraid and alone anymore. Turned out there was even young peoples meetings, which scared the piss outta me! I almost panicked and walked right back out the night I walked into a meeting and saw a room full of people with tattoos, piercings, shaved heads and colored hair. I was a few minutes late but went in and found a seat and sat there wondering if anyone recognized me and if I was gonna get jacked up outside the door after the meeting. They turned out to be a friendly crowd and eventually a big part of my support group in those early days. I still avoided them for the most part in my first few months though... you have to understand, that unfamiliar faces and even some familiar ones tended to look hostile in my eyes back then, that's how fucked up in the head and mentally traumatized I was. Things gradually got much better though and that fear and insecurity that had plagued me for so long gradually passed.
Fast forward to four years later. My life had become something I had never thought possible! It was amazing in so many ways! I had a pretty good job where my input was appreciated, I acquired a car, had a drivers licence, a girlfriend that I loved and who loved me back, a nice place to live and a lot of friends who loved, appreciated and respected me. I had even gained the respect and friendship of those who initially were hostile and wanted to cause harm to me in the early days and had also regained the respect I had lost from old friends that dealt with me back in my drinking/drugging days. I had even gotten involved in the local music scene as a promoter and band manager, as well as got to go on a couple big tours with a very well known and established band as a roadie/merch person. Not that getting sober was all a bed of roses, life still happens and there were many trials and tribulations that I had to walk through and overcome, but everything turned out okay in the end, if not better! I had, believe it or not, become a healthy, happy and productive member of society! I had also become frequently asked to be the main speaker at meetings...
So what happened?
Well, I've been giving that a lot of thought recently. I realize that when I was new to the program, i had a tendency to put the people with multi-years of sobriety on a ridiculous pedestal, particularly those close to my age. It's a common thing with newcomers with no prior experience with recovery that are truly sincere about wanting to quit drinking like I was. I suppose in a way, after I had gotten a certain amount of time under my belt in AA and had become comfortable with it, I slowly started to feel a bit disillusioned. Looking back, it was at about 3 years sober that it was becoming apparent. Understand, there were/are people around my age and even younger with up to 16 years of sobriety that seemed to lead really amazing lives. In meetings they talked so profoundly and came off as "spiritual giants" when they spoke in meetings. As someone who got sober at age 31, I couldn't help but think, "Well of course you have such a great life, you quit drinking and got your shit together when you were just a teenager (I knew one that did so at age 14), you never went out and did any real time in the real world as an adult! I couldn't have had what you have even if I wanted it!" I also started becoming kind of put off by their egos and what I perceived at the time as arrogance, on their part outside of meetings. I failed to keep in mind that they were human, that had their own flaws and character defects and had unrealistic expectations as well as resentments in the way that I thought that they thought they were better than me. I should mention, that this wasn't all of them, just a handful of them, unfortunately I let that handful cloud my judgement. And then there was the fact that I was still dealing with myself. I had overcome my past deficiencies and solved many of my old problems and was presented with a whole new set of problems, most of which one could refer to as "luxury problems". Basically, I started taking other people's inventories more than my own. I started growing more distant from the program and a lot of the people in it. There was still a handful that I regarded as sincere and that I loved and still maintain a friendship with even to this day, even though its from a distance due to geographical location. I had mentioned that i had gotten a girlfriend during that time. She was not in the program and drank and drugged freely. I didn't care though and she was fine with my sobriety as well. So one afternoon, in the spring of 2006 I took a couple bong hits with her. Not that she was encouraging me to do so, in fact she was a bit taken aback by it when I asked her if I could have a hit, so it was definitely my own conscious decision to do so. I went to a meeting the following evening, sat in the back the whole meeting and thought to myself, "I have no fucking business being here". After the meeting, I got up and left without saying goodbye to anyone and never went back. I continued to smoke pot over the course of the next year though, but didn't drink. On morning of October 5th, 2007, my dad passed away and on the evening of that day, I broke up with my girlfriend. A little more than a month later I started drinking again. I believe it was November 10th, of '07. I was laying on my bed one night, around 9:30. I had been feeling pretty numb and fucked up in the head since I returned from Albuquerque after my dad's memorial service. Dealing with the nasty emails from my now ex girlfriend wasn't helping matters either. So with another conscious decision, I got off my bed, put on my jacket and walked down the street and picked myself up a 32 ounce bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. It wasn't like in movies where the person whose been on the wagon struggles and shakes as he removes the cap from the bottle, I came back and just as casually, unscrewed the lid and took a long drink. It tasted great! In fact, I went back and picked up a six pack of the same stuff after I finished it. I like to say, I didn't fall off the wagon, I stepped off. Soon afterwards, I started feeling better and came out of the social exile that I had put myself in prior to that night. I started going out and meeting people and getting reacquainted with old friends and having fun again. I even had a few drinking sessions with friends who I was in AA with, strangely, ones that I had a near equal amount of time with. It's like we all "went out" at once.
It's been said, that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic and if one was to pick up the drink again, they pretty much pick up where they left off. I have come to find that this is all true, at least in my case. There was a difference this time around though. You see this time around, I wasn't the social pariah that I once was prior to getting sober the first time. This time around it seemed I was quite the likable person and had no problem making new friends and gaining acceptance in various social circles. Even women seemed interested in me and I felt quite comfortable around just about everyone I encountered. However, the erratic behavior, blackouts and hangovers were still there. I even came to in a jail cell one night. There was a few fights that I had gotten into as well but nothing major. I was also foolish enough to start seeing the mentioned ex girlfriend again which was a recipe for disaster. I started breaking down again and found myself in therapy for a short time. On a family reunion in Las Vegas after three straight days of drinking I attacked three people in the doorway at the Hard Rock Casino in a blackout. Two men and a woman. Fortunately, my mom and my uncle got me out of there and back to my hotel room safely before I got into trouble. The next day, after being dropped off at the Las Vegas airport, I continued drinking all the way back to California. It was about a month and a half later that I decided to do another geographical and move back to my home town of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I arrived back on December 2nd, 2008. I don't know if it was the change in altitude or not, but the blackouts became less frequent and I seemed to have it all under control, but my drinking got steadily more frequent. I signed on with another employment agency which kept me pretty busy and helped to keep me somewhat in check. About a year later a freak occurrence happened to where I ran over a nail causing a blow out in one of my tires the morning after a big party at a friends house. I looked in the mirror after I came to a stop and there were paramedics behind me. They got out and asked if I was okay, which I was, it was just the tire. I also had an open 12 pack of beer in my back seat. Then a female cop showed up and handcuffed me and put me in the back of the squad car along with my open 12 pack. Ten minutes later she took me out and removed the cuffs then put me back in the car, where I started stealing some of my beers back. She impounded my car then gave me a ride back to my apartment and cited me with careless driving. I didn't get a DUI so I dodged a bullet on that one considering I was still a bit tipsy I ended up having to being sent to AA meetings twice a week for 45 days by the court with minimal fines. The case ended up being dismissed due to compliance. I continued to drink heavily over the next year and during that time I broke my leg really bad at a party in a blackout, which required a four day hospital stay, surgery and lot's of titanium being inserted in my leg. To this day I still have no recollection how it happened. It took about six months to be able to walk without some kind of walking aide. I became a little violent for a period, I knocked a guy out with my crutch in front of a downtown bar one night and a month later bloodied some guy up at a party in the hallway at a friends house. I don't recall doing it. I was starting to get a bit of a reputation as an unpredictable and violent drinker. I was definitely prone to getting very animated and out of control. There's was also another incident that happened involving me with putting a loaded gun in my mouth while extremely drunk while being in a heated argument on the phone with a girl I was involved with. She asked how my mother would react so I ended up shooting a hole in my wall and hanging up her. After that incident and after I felt clear headed enough following the DT's from that bingeI quit drinking for twelve days and went to a few meetings during that time. Im not exactly sure why, maybe I was looking for some kind of inspiration or something... There were more incidents and situations that came about but the ones mentioned are ones that particularly stand out. Which leads me to the here and now. So about 38 days ago (im guessing) I went to jail for a couple days on an aggravated DUI charge. When I got out I went on a five day run which landed me in the detox unit for a couple more days. I was told if I had gone one more day, which I was planning on doing, I'd probably be dead. I work at a local music venue part time that serves alcohol and worked a scheduled shift the night of the day I got out of detox. After I got off I had my shift drink and a friend bought me another beer. Although I didn't get drunk, that was the last alcoholic beverage I had 28 days ago today. I went to a meeting the day I went to detox completely shitfaced with a friend of mine, The maintenance guy from her apartment drove us there. I remember very little of it. I started going to meetings sincerely again the day after I got out of detox. I've got some legal and financial difficulties ahead, but I'll get through it. I am attending meetings daily if possible, I have new sponsor and am now on step two. Im doing the best I can to simply live one day at a time and not get worked up about tomorrow or what the future holds. Im also trying to maintain a positive attitude and watch for and change some of my negative habits and behaviors. I've been rather surprised about the support and encouragement I've received from all of my friends and family. It's really meant a lot despite the feelings of alienation I sometimes feel coming from them. Im also finding that I don't really like a few of my friends as much as I thought I did. Honestly, Im doing this for me and if Im gonna be condemned by them for being sober, so be it. Their loss. Most important is Im not drinking. I like it.
