Night of JOLT!

I saw this picture this picture online of this can of Jolt and remembered the only time that I recall drinking it. It wasn't all that great as far as taste went, and I don't really remember felling all that "jacked" as I was already a fairly high strung person at the time as it was. Anyway, here's the story:
It was mid-1987 and I was very hostile, angry and punk as fuck! I had moved out of

my parents house in late spring into a one bedroom apartment at the invitation of a friend I'd known since we were kids. I had no job, no source of income and pretty much no clue about how life worked, but naturally, like most guys at that age, I thought I had it all figured out and I knew it all. After I moved in, a couple other friends moved in as well. I took over the bedroom closet which functioned as my room, and we had our own little party pad going! For about three months anyway before we all got tossed out on our asses... 
Anyway, I was far to stubborn and prideful to go crawling back home to my parents house so I decided I'd just "live on the streets" or where ever I ended up, which worked out half the time, since I didn't have much as far as possessions, blankets and some clothes and a few things I could stash here and there or at friends houses. Other than that, I'd just party every night somewhere and usually just crash where ever that was or go home with someone and crash and their house, and if nothing panned out from that, it was still warm enough to where I'd find a rooftop, a doorway or side of a building to crash for the night. I tried a laundry room at a nearby big chain motel but got chased out by a manager. 
It was during this time that I experienced my first vicious hangover of my adult life, which fortunately I was able to sleep it off for a couple days at a friends house, after which I decided to cut alcohol out of my life and just stick to drugs. Understand, drugs for me back then consisted of mostly weed, it was very rare that I imbibed in anything else. 

Anyway, one night I found myself feeling in an especially foul mood. I was dealing with a lot of anger issues back then, and on this night I was particularly on edge. Back then my hair was cropped about a quarter on an inch all the way around with about 3 or 4 uneven clumps about an inch long in random spots. I sported a pair of beat up combat boots, cuffed jeans, a trashy denim jacket and I carried a crow bar in inside pocket of it. So that night, like I mentioned, I was in "a mood" and I had turned down an offer to crash in an empty camper shell in my friends yard, so he kicked me down five bucks. I walked over to the Circle K over at Lomas & Eubank and bought myself a six pack of Jolt Cola and then wandered over and sat on the curb at Hotel Circle just south of Lomas Blvd and drank one can after the other while glaring at the passing traffic. Today, that whole area is totally developed, all kinda of stores and restaurants, in fact, where I was sitting that night, there's a mortuary now, but back then it was just mostly vacant lots and land, and people used to park their used cars along that stretch of Lomas Blvd that they were trying to sell. So I finished about 4 of those cans of Jolt and proceeded to take my crowbar and pretty much make every car sitting on that lot "not fit for purchase". I smashed out every headlight, almost all of the passenger windows, tail lights and anything else I could destroy. I wasn't exactly quiet either. I'm truly amazed I didn't get caught or attract any sort of attention considering there's houses just right across Lomas. Afterwards, I wandered over to nearby Tomasita Elementary School and hid in these tunnel things that they had on the playground and watched the police cars patrol and spotlight the area for a bit before they moved on. I was totally calm and fearless while all this was going on. After a little while, I came out of the tunnel things and walked back toward the mess I made and then passed on by then headed to the rooftop where I sometimes slept where my blankets and other stuff were stashed and crashed for the night. I still had my other two cans of Jolts too!

Rants and Takes On Mortality

I've heard all the typical cliches and other bullshit spewing out of the mouths of friends and others that I thought were friends and just people that it turned out that I didn't really give a flying fuck about after all. Anyway, one of the cliches I'm speaking of for example is this typical tough guy/gal wannabe classic, "I thought I'd be dead before 25", which is a fucking joke considering, if memory serves me correctly (and I have an amazing memory), most of these turkeys did not grow up in squalor or the kind of American neighborhoods that would be comparable to say, the Gaza Strip, which would justify their claims. No, almost all of them came from more or less, the same type of middle to upper-middle class American households of various dysfunction and income. And we all pretty much did the typical teenage "experimentation" to varying degrees as well.

I personally, have never made such an absurd statement, as I came from a pretty straight up, middle class background. Truth is, I just never thought that far ahead, back then. The thought of thinking much past the next week or so would kinda freak me out, so I avoided it altogether, and this was all through my adolescence. 

As I entered my twenties, I was living the whole "rock 'n roll life style" and had gained a pretty self-destructive and nihilistic approach to how I went about my day to day way of life. I didn't really give a shit about tomorrow or the next day or the next year for that matter. For all my bullshit and arrogance, I pretty much lived in the moment and couldn't be bothered with such silly concerns about dying, even though as I started getting deeper into drugs and other shadier endeavors, looking back, yes, I can see now, literally hundreds of times how easily that (ugh!) "coulda been me", but it wasn't, so who fucking cares.

Truth be told, I'm not all that worried about or afraid of dying. It's not for any spiritual bullshit, like I have "nothing to fear because I know where I'm going" kind of rhetoric, because I happen to be one of "the faithless", but I'm not an asshole about it either. I mean if someone's religious beliefs are comforting and it's working for them, and they're not hurting or oppressing others with their beliefs, then fucking awesome, that's great, more power to them! It's those pushy fuck nuggets that irritate the piss out of me, but I'm not gonna go on a big rant about that either because there's really not much, if anything, that I can say about the subject that hasn't been said before, if not better and more articulate, so I'll leave it at that and hope that anyone who may actually read this gets the idea.

I suppose in a way, it's a little bit strange to me when I meet younger people in their late teens and into their twenties who have never known anyone other than an elderly relative that's died. I recall starting to attend rosaries and funerals at a very young age, as well as my first real peer being killed by a drunk when he was only fourteen, and from that point on I became, for the most part, desensitized to it as there more or less seemed to always be a steady number of people around my age or younger that would die from one thing or another . Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I would assume being some gangbanger living in South Central LA (for example)seeing my "homeboys" gunned down every week either, but I would guess that the number for me personally, might be higher than any of my immediate family members combined as far as peers go. (For the record, I don't mean come off sounding like I'm bragging or like I'm some kinda "hardcase" either...) 
A lot of the people I kept company with in the 1990's were like me, the hard drinking and drugging, high risk types prone to trouble and "drama". But in those early days of my youth, there were things like illnesses, accidents, the occasional homicide/suicide and freak occurrence. It was later on in my late twenties and into my thirties when the bodies really started to pile up and it got to the point where I stopped going to to funerals and wakes and all that cause they were depressing and I was sick of going to them, as selfish as it sounds, I didn't care who it was at that point anymore.

Back in 2005, I believe it was, I met and hung out for a couple hours with Bob Noxious at a show in Santa Cruz, CA. In the early 1980's, Bob and his band, The Fuck Ups were one of, if not the most notorious bands in the San Francisco hardcore punk scene, and one of the most despised among some of their more "politically correct" detractors. I was completely sober at the time, and Bob wasn't drinking either, but I had asked him a few questions about the early punk days back in SF (I was really excited to meet Bob as I had been a huge fan of The Fuck Ups for years. Bob was genuinely flattered and really surprised when I mentioned that I had some live bootleg recordings from his early days. I offered to make him copies and we exchanged phone numbers but he never returned my calls) One of the questions I had asked was what what he ended up doing after The Fuck Ups disbanded, and he replied that he had taken off to Oregon and had been living practically in isolation in the woods for a few years, and when I asked why, he said, "Cause everybody started dying, man... It was fucking depressing". 
Bob passed away on Christmas Eve of 2008 of liver failure. Looking back on that night, I recall that he had a whole bunch of joints in the front pocket of his shirt that he was smoking pretty much one after the other, so I'm guessing he was in pretty bad shape even back then.
I guess I bring up that meeting and interaction, because I can relate in my own way with Bob's sentiments on the subject

The one thing above all else that I cannot stand when people die is the living! It's truly astonishing, low and pathetic how so many people turn someones passing into an excuse or opportunity for attention, undeserved sympathy or some other form of narcissistic bullshit. I don't know how many times I've seen someone post on their social networking page after someone dies some sort of  psychotic, melodramatic spew or a "RIP [insert name]"  post followed by some shallow rambling, after which they receive sometimes dozens of "sorry for your loss, call me if you need anything" type responses and then have the nerve to thank these people like they were actually blood-related and actually sitting around bawling... And what chaps me about it is knowing that these shallow, self-absorbed fucks were really nothing more than casually acquainted with the deceased, and in reality were maybe on a "hello" basis with them at shows, or the occasional party, not like they shared a genuine or sincere friendship that justifies those kind of posts. I just find it to be rather tacky and in bad taste. (I'm well aware that I'm not exactly the "poster child" for decorum and good taste, but even I know there some things that should be recognized)
I believe the proper decorum, unless you were close friends that spent actual real quality time together on a regular basis, is to post on the page of the deceased something like a, "RIP, deepest condolences to the family" or something along those lines. I recall the last person I knew that passed (as of this present time) was about five months ago, a guy that I wasn't extremely close with, but we were friends and were former coworkers at a local music venue. Anyway, he OD'ed on heroin in late June, and I learned of it via Facebook from a post by a mutual "friend" who's a known drama queen that I preferred to keep at arms length back then and sure as fuck want nothing to do with now. Anyway, my friend OD'ed up in Denver, and this guy that posted was laying out the drama, with shit like "Fuck Heroin" & "Denver, what have you done to my friend!!!"... Fucking loser. Dude didn't even show up to the memorial. People suck.

I'm not even gonna get into the drama and chaos, not to mention the legalities and all that regarding families, estates and wills, that's a whole other complicated mess better left to the "experts" and those paid and qualified to deal with things of that nature.

So if I you were to ask me how many people have I known that have died? Honestly? I really don't know for sure. It's not like I've ever kept a tally or anything, but there's been quite a lot, that, I can definitely say for sure, and it doesn't seem to end. Not that I expect it to either. I've pretty much accepted death as a part of life without any morbid or silly inclinations toward it. Sure, I find it fascinating just like most people, I enjoy cemeteries, I like looking at dead bodies, I respect human life, although I have certain attitudes toward certain humans and their behaviors but I don't wanna get carried away on a mega-tangent here. I'm well aware that there's a lot of horrible things that happen on a daily basis in this world, but there's a lot of beauty and wonderful things that happen too. I know for some, they're just born to fall by the wayside and fall into the muck, it's unfortunate, but for most of us, it's all about choices and what we decide to do with it these moments. And yes, I'm sure there's motherfuckers that may read this and want to attack me just for saying what I just said, but you know what? They can eat a dick. They have a choices too. Do or Die! 

The Controversial Cover Pic

"One thing to remember kids… Don’t ever mistake me for a role model, as I’ll likely just end up disappointing you, not to mention, I really don’t want the responsibility of such an endeavor" 

                                                                                                                              Myself 2014                       

I used this photo as the cover pic on my Facebook page about six months ago and some people lost their shit! This was back when I still had my original page, the one with close to 900 "friends", that I deleted a few months ago (as of this current time frame). I don't mean everybody, though, a majority of folks that normally "liked" and commented (Back then it was normal for me to receive several dozen)on my pictures and posts didn't touch this one, which at the time was the first indication that I had "struck a nerve" so-to-speak. Back then, I didn't really post a whole hell of a lot because it had kinda gotten to the point with Facebook, when you have that many number "friends" on your FB page, you pretty much have to keep any opinions or beliefs you may hold to yourself unless your willing to open up a can of worms and release a shit storm  of debate and back and forth rhetoric with a bunch of "know-it-all", opinionated,  arm chair activist , smug idiots, who unfortunately, seemed to make up a majority of my Facebook "friends", and I was finding that with each passing day, that I was outright loathing most of them and that very soon, I was going to have to make a drastic change on both Facebook and in my personal life, aka, the "real world".

First I wanna start of by mentioning that I did get a number of “likes” and a few comments from people with a sense of appreciation for my rather dark and morbid sense of humor and "style" for lack of a better way to put it, for the way I chose to "decorate" my personal Facebook page. Maybe it's obnoxious, shocking and tasteless, but so fucking what? You don't like it, don't look at it, You don't like my posts? Feel free to click the "Unfollow" or "Unfriend" button. Problem solved. (believe me, at that point in time, I was beyond giving a shit) But don't come at me lecturing me with your self-righteous bullshit, ESPECIALLY when you know that you have blood on your hands as they say, and you better make damn sure that I don't have dirt on you before you fucking try to attack me...

For example, one of the first to chime in on the "lecture circuit" was Judy, who I go way back with. I've known her since my early punk days, circa 1988, she was a white power skin chick back then, but there was only a few "boneheads" around ABQ back then and they were a bunch of pussy chumps, no biggie. Anyway, she was good friends with Kristin who was the girlfriend of my really good friend Carlos Yambao, of Filipino descent. Judy's boyfriend was this nazi loser named Jeff, so as you can guess, it made for some odd company at times back then...  Anyway, Carlos and Kristin married in the early 90's had a few kids together and divorced at some point, I had moved to California then, and don't know the complete details of all that. Anyway, they'd been apart for a few years, and Carlos was living with a girlfriend and I guess was pretty strung out and OD'd in May of 2001, on cocaine if I heard correctly. SO in this age of social networking, I'd become reacquainted with both Judy and Kristin, on friendly terms with both, however, one of Kristin and Carlos's daughters is a total junkie trainwreck and Kristin and Judy have a tendency to both be rather "outspoken" when it comes to heroin and drugs. Judy really doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, as she's got little to no experience with drugs and has run off to live in the sticks with her current hubby cause she's terrified of the "big bad scary city". Whatever. Anyway, what really bother's me is how they're both quick to use Carlos as their "poster child" in their anti-heroin crusade where they're pointing their fingers and casting blame on everyone that was supposedly around back when he died. It's both pathetic and absurd, particularly with Judy as claims he was one of her "best friends" which is a complete crock of shit, it's nothing more than a ploy for sympathy and attention. There's no fucking way Carlos would have considered her one of his best friends. I could have easily exposed her and called her on her bullshit (still can), however, at my age and where I'm at now, I've learned the concept of "choosing my battles". Carlos has been dead thirteen years now, and really it wouldn't be in my best interest to do so. But I could... Anyway, as I said, Judy was the first to chime in... I ignored her, plus a couple of comments that dug the pic overrode her self-righteous babble and she never spoke up again.

Then there was Pete, a former gutter level hardcore, shit in your pants streetwise fucking junkie, whose pretty much seen and experienced every dark crevice of junkie hell one could imagine. I actually have a lot of respect for Pete, so I won't harsh too bad on him, I was just a bit surprised, cause I could tell the pic kinda bothered him and he was holding back what was really on his mind. Pete's a good guy and a great success story as far as where he's come from and where he's at now. Still a shithead, but I say that with respect and a smile.

Next was Jamye, the who had replaced Alice as the female vocalist in my band, A.P.D. That one was a real piece of work. Jamye is also a former junkie, supposedly clean four years, (I found out later that she'd been "chasing the dragon" with her ex-bf Phenochs around the time she came at me with her commentary) She's extremely insecure, has zero sense of irony or sense of humor and can't really function unless she's got some sort of intoxicant in her system. She's supposed to be on legally prescribed meds to deal with her emotional and mental issues but refuses to take them due to said insecurities and has literally every kind of psychological issue that a female is known to have. Anyway, she left a comment babbling some bullshit about me always "trying to be shocking" or some horseshit" and then about ten minutes later I receive a rather nasty message from some military guy telling me off about how fucked that photo is and how fucked up of a person I am for posting it and how his buddy in the military recently OD'd on that shit, and that people like me deserve to blah blah blah..... I looked at his page, and yep... mutual friends with that little cunt, Jamye....go figure.  Anyway, I ended up responding to the military guy rather viciously myself, and I assume setting him straight, as I never heard back from the prick.  

Seriously though, fuck that guy and his buddy! I've been clean fifteen years now! It's just a fucking picture, and posting it is not gonna turn someone into a heroin addict or cause someone to run out and OD. Reality is reality, and if someone goes out and accidently, or even purposely kills themself on that shit, that's on them, not me. Our decisions are our own. I made the conscious decision twenty around years ago to start and the barely-conscious decision fifteen years ago to stop. Probably one of my smarter choices in life, cause believe me, I've made a lot of bad ones.
...and like anyone's prowling around my Facebook page anyway, hahaha!

Musical Crisis

I admit, I don't look all that favorably these days on music based "scenes" i.e. the "punk"; "goth" ;"rockabilly";"metal" scenes in particular even though I spent nearly three decades of my life involved in the punk scene with close ties to the goth scene in Albuquerque and the Bay Area with connections all over the country and a few overseas as well. I've played in a few bands over the years, but the most accomplished one was the most recent that I was a part of here in Albuquerque called, A.P.D. It was a male/female vocal fronted hardcore punk band, in which I played guitar and did the male vocals. We never recorded a proper record or CD but there's some decent free downloadable tracks available on the bands reverbnation page. The band's currently on "indefinite hiatus" but will likely never perform again. And thing is... I don't even care. I guess stranger things have happened though.

I really and truly hate to admit this, but I feel like I have to. It seems that lately, I seem to have a really a hard time enjoying music. This is gonna be very difficult to articulate, I can already tell, but these days when the subject is brought up as a topic of conversation, I find myself literally cringing and almost loathing the participants in said topic. It's not that I dislike or hate music, it's more like it's just not exciting, interesting or even fun anymore. In other words, it's gotten so fucking boring to me. It seems that no matter what the genre, it doesn't matter if it's rock, metal, electronica, rap/hip hop, country, industrial, whatever, etc, etc... it's all been done, before and then it's been recycled, crossed-over, cross-bred, infused with this and/or that and created into a sub-genre of this and/or that and you got something-core this and/or that...it get's really fucking hard to keep up with and ya know what? It's still boring, generic and to pit it simply, it sucks. I almost get a fucking headache just thinking about it...

I know, one could come at me, and attack me for these words in so many directions, and not only am I okay with that, I feel completely comfortable with my stance on it, as well and totally prepared to back up my words and opinions as well if need be. I also know that in everyone's defense, it's extremely difficult to be original and I can't really fault anyone for it. However, I'm not so sure that's the real issue in this case. I think it might be something bigger than all of us... 

Back in the 1970's when punk happened, those that were a part of that claimed it was a reaction or response to what was going on with music at the time, what with the big decadent arena rock shit of the sixties and early seventies dominating everything, and disco ruling the airwaves, I suppose I can see how something new like punk would be a breath of fresh air, or a slap in the face and a shock to the status quo. Makes complete sense when you really think about it.
Me personally, I was six or seven years old I think when punk first came out, much too young to participate in something like that, not to mention I was living in Albuquerque, NM so yeah...

Anyway, fast forward to the decade of the 2010's. Some of those old bands are still around, sure, but thing is, some of what was punk, evolved into "hardcore", some became, "goth" or "post-punk" which is rather loosely defined, others evolved and became mainstream and a lot just faded into obscurity. 
The post punk thing that birthed goth created some truly remarkable and amazing artists and bands from it's era, and the thing that sets them, and will always set them apart from the "goth" bands that came after them is those bands (Bauhaus; Sisters Of Mercy; Siouxsie & The Banshees;etc) weren't trying to be "goth", they were just musicians that came out of the original punk scene that were just trying to make a new and different style of music and managed to get the "goth" label slapped on them. Since then, there's been a "goth" genre of music with bands trying to sound "goth" and I cannot think of one since the early 80's that has achieved that kinda level of respectability in that sense. Sure one can argue Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails, but to me those two acts are the what Green Day and Blink 182 are to punk. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid if you don't understand that point then you never will. 

Even though I may have been born too late to catch The Ramones at CBGB's, I was still a teenager in the 1980's and a twenty-something throughout the 1990's so I got to see a lot of great shows and bands. For example, as far as punk, the first time I saw Social Distortion it was only $8, nowadays it's a $45 dollar ticket. I got to see the Descendents in 1987 at a local all ages venue that was attended by primarily the ABQ punk scene (friends and peers) with local support bands. Nowadays, the only way you're gonna see The Descendents is in a festival type environment surrounded by tens of thousands of strangers in the hot sun, for an outrageous ticket price and having to weed through a bunch of other shitty bands while waiting to see them, and paying $4 for a fucking bottle of water. I hear you can shell out an extra $10-20 for a "VIP Pass" which if I understand correctly, means you can hang out in the shade and get served alcohol. Yeah, that's real "punk rock"! It's not just The Descendents and Social D. either it's a lot of those old bands, they still sound great live, but for me, I've pretty much seen everyone I've realistically wanted to see, and I've gotten to see them when they were young and full of zeal, in smaller venues for cheaper prices surrounded by mostly friends and like minded people. 
This newer generation and younger batch of fans really has no idea. What really gets me, is you can't mention any of this to them because they get mad and act like you're lying or laugh it off like you're just some "old stick in the mud" that doesn't know how or like to have fun, but hey, I'm not the stick in the mud that's paying $50-$70 a ticket to see bands that are even older than me! Even more so if you're into attending those lame-ass festivals! What bugs me the most is when the younger generation tries to take credit for inventing this shit too, but I admit, it's funny watching them get their panties in a wad when evidence is shown to them otherwise. 

I guess these days I just don't really see or hear anything really new that can possibly stir anything in me and make me excited when it comes to music. Admittedly the last time that happened, as far as something truly "new" for me, was when Eminem first came out to be completely honest. At that time, I didn't even like rap, and the irony of that, was the person that turned me on to his music was my friend Lizard, who was this pretty goth chick! Go figure... Anyway, I thought that was some of the most creative, original, not to mention funniest, music I'd heard in a long time! I couldn't get enough of it. I enjoyed his follow up LP just as much too, after that, I lost interest though. 
It was kinda cool at the time though to have something different and new in my musical repertoire, I was so used to listening to mostly mostly hardcore punk and goth, I guess I had all but forgotten there was a whole world of music out there to explore which actually inspired me to check out what was out there when it came to rap and hip hop and I actually found some stuff that I actually really liked (There's also a lot of narcissistic, posturing bullshit out there too though). It also reminded me there was other stuff out there that I used to love as well, which since then I've reacquainted myself with, and in the process I discovered some really rare, "old timey" gems, particularly the kinda stuff that's become more and more obscure with each passing year. Actually, that's the stuff I still find pleasing, unfortunately, there seems to be very few that know who or what the fuck I'm talking about whenever it's brought up.

Briefly, I'm gonna touch on a few genres and scenes that I simply just do not like and I don't give a flying fuck what kind of argument or selling point you come at me with when it comes to them. 
With VERY few exceptions, I don't like metal. I'm cool with metalheads for the most part, but the music, post-1987-88 pretty much sucks. I love Slayer, Venom, Metallica back when they were circa early mid 80's but don't acknowledge them much past that. Basically I got bored with metal around '85 and pretty much stopped listening to it completely after '86
I cannot stand rockabilly or psychobilly and I hate those fucking scenes! The music all pretty much sounds the exactly the same and all the bands are basically carbon copies of one another. The guys are all a bunch of douches and the girls are a bunch of catty bitches and that whole scene in general is the the epitome of cliche, for example, go to any rockabilly show and you stand a more than 50% chance of hearing a generic cover of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues". It's truly mind boggling disgusting how people really take that scene so seriously, particularly the 1950's nostalgic aspect of it. Fuck the "billy scenes" Often referred to as the scene where old punks, skins and goths go to die... 
And I just can't get in to the "noise" genre" I've never been able to be around that crowd or that music for an extended amount of time. They have a tendency to be an odd kind of pretentious and the music pretty much sucks. Their gatherings and night spots tend to be rather boring as well.

Now this is the funniest part of this blog... To walk into my room, you would be lead to believe that I'm absolutely obsessed with music! I mean every wall, including my ceiling, is covered with posters and flyers from punk shows and music events, I have an electric guitar on a stand and a small practice amp in one corner of my room and to my immediate right (where I'm currently typing this) that I can literally touch with my elbow is a 120 watt amp head resting atop of a 4X12 slant cab speaker cabinet (although I've been trying to sell it on craigslist for a couple weeks, I've had few offers), plus a few other stickers and knick-knacks here and there that suggest that "hey, this guy's a music fan!". Actually, I've been thinking about redecorating for a while, I do have an idea in mind, but I don't have all the materials on hand to make it happen so I'm procrastinating and now because of these words now living in a room full of contradiction... See how I am!

BTW, in case any possible readers of this blog out there are  wondering why there was no mention of the Justin Beiber's, Katy Perry's, U2's, Linkin Parks and never ending list of "mainstream" music business garbage and nonsense that is spoonfed to the masses and swallowed whole... Well c'mon, lets get real, that would be just too fucking easy! :D