It's suddenly dawned on me that I feel sorta like a prisoner. I've been to jail so I do have a basis for comparison, and yes, I know I can easily get up and walk out the door and leave, and yes, I know I'm the only one keeping me here in this room, and yes, I know this can probably be called a "pity party", however, I don't really see it quite that way.
I had planned on staying in yesterday hoping a friend whose currently in a world of shit himself, would accept the invitation I sent out via text, the day prior to stop by, but I never heard back. So I've, for the most part, been hanging out here in my room. I did step out for about fifteen minutes yesterday morning to the corner store to purchase a 24 oz cup of coffee where I was mildly irritated by a couple of simple minded idiot customers, one of whom felt the need to attempt to comment about the piercing in my septum. So after coming home and enjoying my coffee, did some laundry, took a shower, and went back and forth between browsing the web and reading the latest Christopher Moore novel all day and into the night before eventually falling asleep. I also smoked cigarettes periodically between those activities as well. I live with my brother so other than brief conversations with him, my only communication with the outside world had been through a couple conversations on Facebook chat.
I quit drinking almost eight months ago and consider myself a recovering alcoholic. Actually, this is my second time doing the "recovering alcoholic thing". Anyway, I go AA meetings once a week sometimes. They have a line in one of their readings called "the third step prayer" that says, "relieve me of the bondage of self". Bondage of self... I've always found those three words to be a clever combination. I hate to admit it, and not meaning to come off melodramatic, but I feel like I can relate with that at this moment in time. Yet at the same time, I ask myself, "what the fuck do you really want?!?" Okay, so yeah, I feel like a prisoner, a "hostage", like the title of this blog implies, I've cooped myself up in this room, a self exile of sorts, there's bars on the windows (nice!), however, if this room is a cell, it's a pretty fucking awesome cell! There's a queen size comfy bed, punk rock shit covering the walls and ceiling, a computer w/internet, a guitar with a 100 watt amp and cabinet... Okay, so why don't I leave? Well, it's sunny outside, yet it's windy and cold and I don't feel like dealing with the bus, plus there's nowhere in particular that I feel motivated enough to go to. Okay, am I lonely? hmm...good question. Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind company, but at the same time I can't think of anyone in particular that I feel like going out of my way to go see, call, text or make plans with. Am I hungry? No. Tired? No. Im running out of smokes though. I'd really like to quit. I'll probably ask my brother to drive me over to the Valero in a little while. I'd drive myself, but I'm currently not allowed to drive anymore due to a medical condition that has reemerged after twenty one years of lying dormant. I'm currently awaiting to see a neurological specialist to find out what happens next. I do a lot of fucking waiting these days... Besides my medical appointments, I attend mental health counseling twice weekly which I don't mind. I have a feeling that I'm going to be a frustrating case for them, but hey, this wasn't my fucking idea! Other than that, I waste the afternoon hanging out at an outdoor coffee shop across from UNM with my friend Josh a few days a week. Sometimes I go to a show and as mentioned, maybe go to a meeting or if I feel adventurous hop on the bus and explore.
I was playing in an established local hardcore punk band but haven't played music for over a couple weeks, I had to pull the plug on the band over bullshit and drama tied to secret drug habits and other nonsense. I also dumped my girlfriend Ashley over a month ago. Losing the band sucked. Losing the girlfriend didn't suck.
What the loss of both have in common, is losing them has definitely reduced my stress levels.
I've been all over the place in my thoughts since getting out of the hospital, in this perpetual state of limbo. There was a lot of uncertainty involved too, but some that's been slowly working itself out, it did however, create a little more in the process, but not as much, but there's still a lot of waiting and limbo. Can't help but wonder where I'll be and what things will be like three, six months, a year from now... but today I'll be a prisoner. Anyway, I gotta go buy smokes, see ya!
No comments:
Post a Comment